The Brooklyn Heist (2009)

Genre(s): Comedy
Image Entertainment || PG13 - 85 minutes - $27.98 || December 1, 2009
Reviewer: Tyler Thomas || Posted On: 2010-01-11


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.:: F I L M ::.
The Film

S P E C I A L
.: F E A T U R E S :.

Special Features

.:: V I D E O ::.
Video

.:: A U D I O ::.
Audio

.:: O V E R A L L ::.
Overall
.::MOVIE INFORMATION::.
Director: Julian M. Kheel
Writer(s): Brett Halsey & Julian M. Kheel (written by)
Cast: Danny Masterson, Leon, Dominique Swain


.::DVD INFORMATION::.
Supplemental Material:
  • Feature Commentary
  • Featurette
  • Deleted Scenes


Technical Information:
  • Number of Discs: 1
  • Widescreen (1.78)
  • English (Dolby Digital 5.1)
  • Subtitles: English SDH, Spanish

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.::THE FILM::.

For the record, Iím being fairly gracious by giving this movie a star. Danny Masterson has fallen to the ranks of below direct-to-video actors and Iím certain that after this flick he wonít be heard from for a while. Man, only a few people made it from the cast of that show he was on, what a shame. Anyways, The Brooklyn Heist is a spoof/comedy flick that doesnít work as either genre, and only results in a painful viewing experience should you not heed my warning and run.

There are three different stories going on here, well four if you count the old woman having a heart attack, so Iíll do my best to explain the mundane and dreary storylines involved. Well, thereís really only (thankfully) one real storyline: the three storyline characters are trying to rob the safe of an evil woman, Connie (Phyllis Somerville), and must find clever ways to do so. The problem is that all of their ways are incredibly idiotic, and thus thatís where the humor is supposed to come in throughout the movie. The problem is, the humor is lacking in every scene and the methods done are supposed to be comedic but fail at every purpose.

Fitz (Danny Masterson) and his friend Dino (Michael Cecchi) try to act like cops and analyze the building where the safe is at, but end up going to get blueprints for the area. Then they decide to recruit an Asian ninja and a six-foot plus man instead of getting a ladder. Lana (Aysan Celik) and Slava (Jonathan Hova) are in black and white for the movie, and decide to blackmail the clerk by having ďrough Russian sexĒ with the kid and then get a shovel along with nuclear weapons to bomb the safe. Finally, the gangster version of the movie, including Ronald (Leon) and Maya (Serena Reeder) kidnap a poor little girl, Emily (Mackenzie Milone), in an attempt to educate her on the ways of crime. Emily however takes a liking, and instead of running away as a little girl she grows to enjoy her kidnapping parents.

Thatís the whole storyline in a nutshell, and doesnít it sound just lovely? No, it really doesnít so donít try and kid yourself at all. The movie is so boring I nearly fell asleep trying to finish the flick, which was a chore trust me. The jokes here are all based upon racism, which in this day and age has either been done so many times itís not funny, or the jokes just suck since weíve all heard them before. Oh, a gay Asian ninja? What the heck, how is that funny or remotely original? Oh look, a gangster couple kidnaps a white girl and rather than teaching her how to rob people they teach her chess and how to ďcaseĒ a joint. Wow, thatís just hysterical isnít it? NO ITíS NOT, AND MOVIES LIKE THIS RUIN SOCIETY!

They do, sorry for the rant and caps lock, but itís true. Movies like this are a horrible example of why filmmakers get money for crappy movies and just release them straight to DVD in hopes that they can get a return on their investment. The film isnít funny, and the scriptwriters should be ashamed of themselves for even trying to pass this off as a spoof and a comedy balled into one. Heck, the most recent spoof films were more entertaining than this movie, which not only says a lot but at least they got a theatrical release date.

Masterson, you better get yourself a new agent along with the others from that show you were on years ago, and start getting a career again. Going down this path is a dangerous one you may not recover from and have anything left.



.::SPECIAL FEATURES::.

Commentary with Co-Writer/Director Julian Mark Kheel, Co-Writer Brett Halsey and Actor/Producer Danny Masterson: The lone commentary for the film isnít the best, as though I found myself nodding off throughout the track. The three try their hardest, but the track isnít very insightful and the jokes they tell are nearly as bad as the film if thatís possible.

Alternate Ending (2 minutes): Per the norm of alternate endings that Iíve seen, the theatrical version is better.

Deleted Scenes (2 minutes): There are only a handful of deleted scenes here and all are equally non-entertaining similar to the film itself. These can easily be passed on unless you have some sort of wish to see more incredibly not-funny scenes from this film.

Steve Lemme Improv (1 minute): Yet again, some lines are redone through the means of improve to make the scene funnier. It fails.

Before and After Demo (3 minutes): This shows the difference between how the film originally looked, and then the final cut after the scenes were rendered and such. Iím not sure who this would appeal to, so odds are you can skip this one just like the rest of these extras.



.::AUDIO & VIDEO::.

This movie looks absolutely dreadful, and no this time Iím not talking about the film itself and rather the transfer. Colors are absolutely awash the entire movie, despite the fact that two out of the three scenes are intended to look that way. The one cast that has the most recent ďtimeĒ in it still looks horrible, as the colors are still faded and the few scenes they arenít they are too bright and overblown. Contrast is absolutely dreadful here, as almost every scene has major amounts of noise and grain plaguing it. Whatís the point of doing three different time areas when you canít get one even close to looking proper? Heck, even the black and white sequences looked distasteful.

The audio doesnít fare much better, as the Dolby Digital 5.1 track lacks any sort of oomph to audio levels and surround usage is bare at best. The dialogue is all over the place here since the track is low is some areas and then slightly higher in others. In terms of surround usage, there isnít much if any that I could recall. I donít think my sub even turned on until halfway through the film and then promptly turned off, which was a shock to me as to why the thing even came on. This track is passable, Iíll give it that, but in 2010 I expect much more from films than this.



.::OVERALL::.

Thereís little to no comedy in this spoof film, the technical package is completely whack, and the extras are fairly mundane especially for a comedy movie. The Brooklyn Heist sure is a steal, but only if you were foolish enough to buy the flick with your hard-earned bucks.