I loathe movies that try to do so many things at once. Then again, I hate just about everything. Is that a bad thing? No not really, but I was supposed to go to the Zoo today but since it rained all day I’m stuck watching movies again for the next few hours. Normally I enjoy this, that was until I popped this monstrosity in, known as Dark Reel, but to me it’s better known as “the only film I’ve ever seen that doesn’t have a menu of any sort.”

Connor Pritchett (Lance Henriksen) is a big time movie producer, only minus the big time part. His company is slowly going under, but he recently held a contest for a walk-on role in his newest film about pirates. His business is losing money, or doesn’t have any, one of the two, as he can barely afford to pay his employees and refuses to add someone to the credits because it costs too much from his past movie.

Adam Waltz (Edward Furlong) somehow wins the contest for the role of pirate number 3 in the film, and meets Connor along with other cast mates from the movie. He befriends Lorraine (Kate Orsini) who I guess is some sort of publicist or actress or something important, since she’s at some party for the film. By the way, there’s a band at the bar scene where Lorraine and Adam meet that seriously kicked some major butt, no clue who they were, but if anyone does I would like to know since they sounded good. Yes, it’s true I enjoyed the band (if they were real) much more than the film.

Also at the party Adam meets supposed legendary film actress Cassie Blue (Tiffany Shepis) who shrugs him off rather rudely when he proclaims he’s such a big fan of hers. She blows him off, and Lorraine leaves only to get in a fight with Tara (Mercedes McNab) who is another actress in the movie. The two bicker and Lorraine leaves to go to her trailer. Unbeknown to her, there’s a killer waiting for her in her trailer. After like two minutes of toying with her, he kills her and drenches his hands in her blood. It’s a pretty lame scene, even for a film of this caliber.

The next day the cops arrive, including Shields (Tony Todd), and question the director of the movie Derek (Jeffery Vincent Parise) who says that he should look into the super fan Adam and question him about the murder. Shields asks Derek where was last night, and in turn Derek asks him the same question. Shields replies with “watching porn,” another great witty line from the script writers.

Connor decides to shut down the set only for a few dies while the cops investigate the scene, but thinks that this could be good publicity for his studio and the movie. Yes, because when someone dies on the set of a film in a gruesome death that’s always a positive outlook on you and your movie. Anyways, they decide to give Adam more lines in the movie because of it. Shields investigates Adam about his whereabouts from the past night, only to really go nowhere.

The cast members slowly get picked off as the film progresses, but it’s obvious who the killer is from the start. It’s also sad to note that the most enjoyable part of the movie came when the film ended, as though that’s when I knew I was done with it. This only got a star because I enjoyed the song that was played during the scene I mentioned previously, and the chicks in it were pretty hot. Yeah, I lowered my standards a bit, don’t hate.

There are no special features available. Hell, there isn’t even a damn menu!

Due to this being a watermarked screener, I can’t rate the video accordingly. If they choose to send a non-watermarked copy I will update the score.

The Dolby Digital 2.0 track for the movie is dull and doesn’t add much to a film based on cheap screams and violence to get an audience interested. Dialogue levels are low and inconsistent throughout the movie, and even the scenes that should sound great end up being lackluster and taking away from the feeling that you are watching a horror film. Disappointing that in 2009, for some reason we are still getting Dolby Digital 2.0 tracks for films.

Dreadful. An insult to direct-to-video films everywhere, Dark Reel is a movie that even the drugstores on the corner couldn’t sell to someone who forgot it was your birthday. There isn’t even a menu available! What the heck is that about? I think this is the first flick I’ve ever seen that doesn’t have a menu, subtitles, or special features at the same time. Skip it. This is one horror movie that isn’t deserving of a viewing, ever.