Virgin Territory (2007)
|Genre(s): Comedy / Drama|
|Anchor Bay || R - 97 minutes - $26.97 || August 26, 2008|
|Reviewer: Brad Lowenberg || Posted On: 2008-08-27|
Writer(s): David Leland (written by)
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Mischa Barton, Tim Roth
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Not all Virgins are Angels...
And not all Angels are Virgins...
And this film is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
I am going to try and explain to you the plot as best as possible. Hayden Christensen stars as Lorenzo, some sort of thief who is ordered to be killed by Gerbino (Tim Roth). Then we have Pampinea (Mischa Barton) who is still grieving over the loss of her father and is set to marry a man from a different kingdom. Eventually Lorenzo escapes and find himself at a nunnery where he convinces all the women there he is deaf and mute and they allow him to do some chores around the nunnery in exchange for a place to sleep and some food. Eventually all the nuns wind up sleeping with him (they are all very hot, young women with huge breasts and perfect bodies) and Lorenzo somehow falls in love with Pampinea, who ran away to find Lorenzo.
Did any of that make sense to you? No, I'm sure it didn't, the same way I felt throughout the entire film. It’s a mess of story lines with a poorly done romantic angle to it. If they wanted to make a teen sex/comedy film in the 1600's than that is what they should have done. Instead they decided it would be a great idea to add some odd romantic storyline to it along with a boring subplot of Lorenzo trying to get killed. Pathetic.
Let me just describe a scene to you. Two women and two men are on stage coach going somewhere. The two guys wander off when two hotter women offer to give them some "milk". The guys, of course, believe they are going to get some delicious *wink wink* breast milk, but instead the woman force them to milk cows. But no, they simply won't milk them, the women will show them in a way which turns them on so much that when the cow bursts milk from its nipples all over their face the film makes sure it resembles an orgasm which turns on both the men and woman. But that's not all! We are then treated to an animated scene of several penis' with wings flying all around the screen. Yes, the film has Penis fairies.
I used to really like Mischa Barton. While some may have hated her in the role of Marissa Cooper (The O.C.), I didn't. She brought a certain something to that show and when she "left" at the end of Season 3 I was disappointed (however Autumn Reeser was an excellent replacement for her the following season). Why did she leave “The O.C.”? To take on some movie roles...and this was one of the first she got right out of the gate. A film that sat on shelves until Anchor Bay came along and decided to release it as part of their "Unzipped" line of Direct to DVD films (it apparently made it into a few theaters though). Poor Mischa, she can't catch a break.
Hayden Christensen (of Jumper fame, they make sure you know it on the back of the box) does a decent job of being a male gigolo. Many will always remember him for his role as Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, and please do. In Virgin Territory he is simply acting for a paycheck; he flubs his lines too much and speaks such corny dialog that by the end of the film I started to feel bad for him. Jumper may have not been a great movie, but it was light years better than this garbage.
Behind the Scenes (~12 Minutes) - Typical fluff we have come to expect. Too much "was really great" interviews going on.
Censored Scenes of Sexuality (~4 Minutes) - If this film would have been successful in theaters and eventually put on Network Television, these are some scenes they may have used to clean up some of the... uhh... disturbing imagery.
Also included is a deleted scene, still gallery and theatrical trailer (like this film would have ever made it).
.::AUDIO & VIDEO::.
Virgin Territory is presented in Anamorphic 1.78:1. I was actually quite impressed with the picture quality, colors looked good and the film had a very nice shine to it. From time to time it did look a little bit washed out. Nowhere near what I would expect from a new Theatrical title, but for a direct to DVD film, it wasn't bad.
Anchor Bay has included a standard English Dolby Digital 5.1 track. The film is nearly dialog driven, and the DD5.1 track delivers. Dialog is clear and every once and a while a few random noises will come from the rear speakers.
Do yourself a favor and do not purchase or rent this film. Its easily one of the worst ones I've had to suffer through. Period. The only redeeming feature I can see for some of the multitude of breasts in this film but even then, there are far better films to watch that will show you just as much.